Saturday, February 27, 2010

Constipation with concentration

 Disclaimer - For those who wanna shit and don't wanna hear about it and for all those who wanna do foul things but don't wanna hear or read about it, This is not for you. Please get your royal ass out of here. Others read this self improvement piece - author.

Toilet has always been a fascinating place for me. Not just for me. Have you seen the kids in toilets in the morning? While the mommy is running here and there as if it was she going to school, our young scientist would be sending probes to Pluto, believing it to be planet as it would remain so in Indian text books for next 10 years. Some children develop Lewis Caroll in them in toilets by making silly rhyming poems like Ram had some jam in the bottle, steaming tea in the kettle.... so on. Ram is the evergreen noun used in grammar classes, especially in Hindi. We have called Ram so much time that I wondered that my Hindi 'ji' would one day see Lord Ram himself. Ah... I digress. Back to the point. We are talking about toilets. I, myself grew to be a great philosopher with toilet being workshop and constipation being the spark of ignition.

There was this 2 year old kid, Murugan near my house when I was 8 years old. He was naughty boy unlike myself. When he wants to pee, he peed where he wanted. The place of choice was usually the 'vadgam' his mother placed in the home stairs for drying. He always likes to play with 'vadagam' and tamper them rather than playing with 'chitti saamaan' (miniature utensils for toddlers). One day i heard a loud cry and lot of commotion next door. The mothers of all the homes in our neighborhood crowded near Murugan's home. There I see this kid with his ass so red like it was on fire and our murugan was crying with finger in his mouth. The story is that, like always our 'Teetoddler' Murugan has sat on things in the stairs to pee, only difference being that the things left on stairs to dry are Red hot chillies but vadam. His softie smart ass was deep fried along with chilly flavour. His ass looked like fried chicken before being dressed. This is what you get if you are bad enough not to use Toilet. You bear god's wrath not by eye-poking(Tamil kids are threatened to eat with this), but ass-frying.

Damn it, I'm drifting away from the topic, again. Constipation has to be declared not as a disease. It offers many solutions to simple problem. While they say Newton got the idea for Gravitational theory under an apple tree, I wonder what he was doing while shitting in the toilet. This, probably, is due to the fact that he doen't practice the art of constipation. Otherwise he would have got learnt it there and even could have finished with formulation before emptying his bowls. Toilet was a invented later. Before that they were leaking and shitting in open grounds which provided aesthetic views (apart from others s(h)itting like us) and gives you morning oxygen which is good for lungs and Indian crouching position is very good yogasana. Only problem with that is you have to move a little once in a while because pile of shit reaches your hind. But toilet is good too. They are now having artifacts and even TVs in toilet. But the good old Newspaper or some bestselling shit would be enough. Nowadays we have more bestselling shits than the toilet counterparts. So, you have shit at both ends. 

Among morning tasks the most concentration-seeking job is s(h)itting in toilet. Toilet-sitting is the first ever training that happens to a kid. In his child hood every human beings would have taken long time at a stretch in toilets. Constipation is a initial spark for developing meditation at young age. While i was a kid, i was advised to say 'um' for further crapping. This 'um' is like 'ugh' that give pressure to rectal muscles which constrict to let the crap get out in tubiforms. This 'um' like 'OM' gives you the spiritual psyche, that makes you compatible for any tough job. When Constipation gets tough, this becomes more in the line of delivering a child, like 'push'.. 'push'.... and all. But i personally don't support this and ask you meet the doctor immediately. Otherwise you might as well give birth to shitty kid like the one here(link). And it also affects your spiritual endowment.

Big leaders like Mahatma Gandhi have had constipation at their young age, where they developed their courage, spirituality, sacrificing mind and non-violence. Since he became mastery of this virtue, he later on went on to get self-treatment for it. You could see that he experimented self-treatment for this which was a gift of this wonderful practice. There is a lesson to be learned from this. He used the skills acquired by this practice for the social cause. Hence, i recommend you guys to make India by practicing concentration out of constipation.

I will teach you, 'how to play concentration games in toilet', in forthcoming post.
For Rich ass

Most inhumane punishment


  1. stinks.. anyway it has to.. i believe they use euphemism instead of saying "newton kollaipuram ponar".. he would have eaten the apple but as it is politically incorrect to eat while u shit he started thinking..

  2. இதை அப்படியே தமிழில் சொல்லலாமே :)

  3. @ajay
    Quite probable.... well done. but since i know u r a constipated genious as well this is not a wonder...
    This in tamil? it would be more kavichi, na?

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